Relationship Realizations.

Sometimes I really do worry that I won’t be able to have a committed, long term relationship. My therapist and I have recently come to the realization that relationships are a huge stress trigger for me, more so romantic relationships than anything other type.

Maybe it is all relationships, but that my friends and I are so solid that it is an exception at this time? I do remember feeling pretty stressed in the past if I thought my friends were upset with me, but really it’s always been sunshine and roses. Some familial relationships have been huge stressors for me as well.

There are so many reasons for this. Is it because I just haven’t found the sunshine and roses with a romantic relationship? Are some of my strained familial relationships exceptions?  I am working on not asking why and just going with the flow. No more dissecting, no more over analyzing. I had the realization, so now we just acknowledge.

One thing that I do know is that soul mates may not exist with lovers, but they for shit do with friends, or at least it does in my situation. My girls are my soulmates. Never have I experienced such unconditional love, honesty, trust, laughter, meshing, and support from any other human beings. And I am fortunate enough to share this in a group of five women including myself.

Let it be..

When you know that someone is shutting down and putting their walls up and giving up rather than staying and fighting and opening up, because you know they have feelings….At what point to you decide to try to roar at and beat down those walls, or simply walk away with the resignation that if you were important enough, they would work through their problems for you, or make it work? And I am not saying that I am not enough, I know that this is more of a reflection on them, but the point stands.

As what point do you just let it be? Yes whatever is meant to be will be, but what if you were supposed to fight? Aren’t you supposed to fight for something you care about? How can we grow if we don’t unrelentlessly fight for what we want? I often have this argument with myself when it comes to different kind of situations…..

I know this argument is even happening because my beliefs, morals, and I guess codes are evolving and changing, but man it’s been hard to deal with. I know it’s not just going to switch over, that I myself need to make the choice.

I adore this wild heart of mine, the one that will go through fire and flames for people and things I love and want. It’s so unbelievably beautiful and rare….but I think it’s time to just trust in the universe, I think it’s time to just be at peace. My heart will still be wild and unrelenting in its love and ferocity, but I think it’s time to just let it be.

I know, you know, we know, you weren’t down for forever and it’s fine.

Growing up through out my teens and early twenties, I always looked at each relationship I was in as end all be all, especially if I was head over heels. I always believed, this is it, this is the one.

Now I am 26… but I really think that it’s the most recent breakup, more than being in my mid twenties, that gave me this realization…. Not everyone finds their person young, in fact not everyone finds their person until they’re older and have been through a lot of relationships. This is something that used to frighten me, but that I am now at peace with. Don’t get me wrong, I am currently bopping between numb indifference and sadness with the ending of this relationship, but I did learn some things. I am prepared to let go of this thing I put in my head that my knight in shining armor is going to appear soon and make it all better, because one day he will come, but it may not be my time now or anytime soon.

I learned that it is not always my fault that things don’t work out. I learned that sometimes people just aren’t a good match and aren’t meant to be. I learned that being in that special relationship, where yes important to me, is not the end all be all of my life and it will freaking come when it’s my time. I learned that I am not fucking less or that there is something wrong with me because I have anxiety and am super emotional.  I learned that the only person who is going to heal me and save me is me, and that I still have a lot of freaking work ahead of me. I learned a little bit more of what I want, and what I don’t want.

And most importantly, something that makes me want to cry tears of joy…… I learned that I am still capable of having butterflies.


I have spent so fucking long judging myself for not living a certain life, for not doing certain things. This morning it hit me though. It hit me why I was judging myself. Society, social media, the news, whatever it is? We are so unbelievably overstimulated with so much, well crap. I can’t even go on Snapchat without being bombarded with news placed directly under my friends stories.

If you want to be a homebody and keep to yourself, great. If you want to travel the world, great. If you want to live paycheck to paycheck, great. if you want to save money, great. If you don’t want to get married or have kids, great. If you do want to get married and have kids, great. If you want to get married and not have kids or have kids and not get married, again, great. If you want to drink and party and hoot and holler whenever you can, great. If you want to get to the very top of your job, great. Whatever or whoever you want to be, whatever life you want to lead, IT IS GREAT.

All that matters is that you are happy, fulfilled, and content. To hell with what everyone is doing or wants.

If you didn’t see so much of everyone else’s lives, so much advertisements, and fluff……Do you think that you would be content right now? I wonder how many of us would truly find ourselves and what we really want if we stripped all of the crap away? Would you actually want butt implants? Would you really feel the desire and need to be married before 30? Would you really want to go to Paris? Would you actually want that promotion?

Why do us humans feel like we have to prove something? Why can’t we just be enough to ourselves. Yes their is growth and all of that jazz- we all have goals and want to better ourselves. But why can’t we want to do those things on our own terms and not on the terms of society or what we are exposed to?

I am 26 years old. I am a homebody. I don’t like to drink. I like to do simple things like going on long walks and talking about anything and everything. I only like to travel every now and then and when I’m damn good and ready. I’m not sure if I wants kids- the thought terrifies me at this point and time. I would like to get married to the love of my life, but the possibility of divorce terrifies me because my parents had a messy one. I want to buy what I want when I want. I don’t want to be responsible all of the time and stress about saving money.  I have anxiety that cripples me sometimes. I try to avoid stress at all costs.

And this is all great.


Changing Our Mindset

We can all easily sit and preach that we are going to change our mindset, be a “new me”, but the process and achievement of that is a whole other ball game. It takes a certain kind of determination and hard work to do so, grueling if you will. I have been experiencing it myself.

Over the years since I got sick and recovered, my mind has changed. It goes at the speed of light, overanalyzes, views things in negative light, goes to worst case scenario, mistrusts, attacks my self esteem, just to name a fun few. I have been making the conscious effort to slow down when I catch myself going a mile a minute, to make note when my mind is going on a negative or over analyzing tangent. I then remind myself to slow down. I think “overthinking” or “negative thought”, and move on to something positive. I have been making an effort to meditate every night before bed. And I tell myself even if it was a crappy meditation and I didn’t relax and get into it, that it was still a positive effort no matter how small.

I am not naive, I know that getting my brain to slow down and go to a more relaxed, positive natural state is going to take a lot of work and possibly quite some time, but I am determined. I want my brain to be sunshine and roses, to roll with the unexpected and not react in a defensive or flight way. I want it to take things at face value and not overanalyze. I want to feel excited about things again and not like they are things that “I just have to get through”. I don’t want it to go into a downward spiral when things are, or I feel that they are amiss.

I am going to have to catch myself. I know that sometimes I won’t catch myself every time, or even every day, but I am going to try my very best. I know that even if my best is one time out fo ten, that it is still progression. Baby steps are still steps. One day I will have a natural, unrattled, relaxed state. One day I will get excited about things again and not feel dread or fear or that I just have to get through it or survive.




It has been a really tough two weeks, but I am happy to say that I got through it, and am most likely the better for it. The more we do hard things, the less hard they become as well as other hard things that may come up. My therapist has hinted at exposure therapy for quite some time, but it was not until I had the realization and discovered it myself that we really touched on it- goodness my therapist has faith in me.

Knowing that I can do the hard things and be okay, and that nothing bad is going to happen, I currently (it could go away) have the confidence that this will continue and hopefully that situational anxiety will fade into a whisper, and then into nothingness.

All of this growth and self realization lately has made me think abut goals for 2020… Mind you I have NEVER set goals for myself for the New Year because I just didn’t have anything in mind other than going to the gym everyday (lol).

I want to slow down in all regards to my life-driving, thinking, work, doing anything really.

I want to work on accepting help when it is offered and asking for help when I need/want it.

A smaller goal is to do more things that make me uncomfortable and not avoid them.




What Happens to Us.

Feelings for someone are a scary thing, especially when you’ve not just been burned before but completely set on fire.

That being said, here I am feeling both the highest of highs and the most irrational fear.

What happens to us due to other people is awful and fucked up, there is no denying that, but it is entirely up to us on who we are after and what and how we do.

We can be bitter and say fuck everyone. We can be suspicious and untrusting and controlling and eventually ruin an amazing possibility. Or we can decide to try to work at the doubts and damage that the previous person dealt every single day.

I decided to work at it. And believe me it is work, and I get frustrated that I even have my bad days, but that’s life.

I decided to trust openly and tell the noises in my head to shove it. I decided to live in every delicious moment and just be there and not wonder if it is going to end.

Be in the moment.




Suffer in Silence

I learned something about myself today. I learned that I make myself suffer in silence. I learned this from my very very good friend.

I was having some very bad anxiety today while I was with all of my friends. I quietly mentioned this to them after it had already been occurring for a very long time, but then I broke down completely and cried out all of my woes to them. They were so great. I felt supported and that I could depend on them. By the end they all had me smiling, laughing, and actually feeling better. The previously mentioned good friend told me that I suffered alone in my head, that I only mentioned that I was having a problem and then locked myself down within myself to suffer alone. This really hit home, because it is what I always do. She, and my other friends then said to me that they will do anything to help me, make me feel better, make me feel safe and supported, that I just need to tell them what I need them to do.

There are no words…..I have the best of friends. This was a big realization for me, as well as a big validation of me and my journey. I do shut down, and shut others out. Maybe if I let people in and ask for help then it will be easier. Maybe locking it within my own knowledge and hoping it’ll end or go away is not the right approach all the time, if at all anymore. I try so fucking hard to be strong and get through it, maybe I need to get strength from others.

My Friends

I am extremely blessed with the friends that are in my life, truly. They are there for me no matter what, love me no matter what. They teach me, they shine light on things. I do not think on just how fortunate I am for them as often as I should. There are people who have no friends, there are people who have bad friends. There are people hoping, wishing, and praying for the fierce bond that I have with my friends. I am so thankful.

How beautiful it is to just be irrevocably yourself around certain people and not even consciously think about it?


If you have been following me, you know that I experience anxiety. Sometimes I go a very long time without dealing with it, sometimes it is up and down very rapidly, and sometimes it is constant for a time. The commonality with all of this is that when it is happening, it sucks real bad.

I have had some major realizations about my anxiety as of late.

Realization one is that one of its major triggers is when I feel trapped. With some further questions and digging by my therapist, we discovered that even though I am not actually trapped and can leave at anytime in any situation, that in my mind I am trapped because of fear of what people will think if I do leave or have a medical issue.

Realization two is that my love life very much has an effect on other anxieties. If something is off there, it automatically makes every other anxiety ten times intense. A very good friend and coworker helped me out with this one. I have been having a really bad few weeks, and she said you know I was thinking about you, about how I have seen you handle anxiety and different triggers. I was thinking about how now all of a sudden you aren’t handling it as you usually do, and it was that maybe the stress in your relationship right now thats been weighing on you is setting everything else off. This is the only thing that’s different, what do you think? It was like I actually saw puzzle pieces click into place when she said this. Omg, I told her, she was totally right! This realization has given me the gust to communicate, and to not be afraid to communicate with my partner. I will not hold back in fear of losing him, for if I do then it wasn’t meant to be. Self lesson here: everything is connected, no matter how different situations may be, it all feeds off of one another.

Realization three, I am very much angry that I have anxiety, I am very much ashamed of it, and I am very much self conscious of it. I had been lying to myself saying I wasn’t, but being in new situations and a new relationship, it has become very apparent that I am indeed still all of these things. It is going to take some work, and it is not going to be over night, but I know that one day that I will get beyond these negative feelings. I think I get so frustrated with myself, because the anxiety that I feel both emotionally and physically sucks so bad. Anxiety makes me feel weak, like there is something wrong with me.

Final realization, my knee jerk reaction to anything  negative that happens in my relationship is worst case scenario, that he is going to leave me for saying how I feel. I need to remind myself that relationships aren’t going to be without hiccups or discussions, and that just because they happen that I won’t be kicked to the curb. Before my relationship now, every time I opened up I would be either ghosted or told I was wrong and pathetic. A year of this with the same person has left some serious scar tissue, but I am determined to not let it effect my current relationship any further.