If you have been following me, you know that I experience anxiety. Sometimes I go a very long time without dealing with it, sometimes it is up and down very rapidly, and sometimes it is constant for a time. The commonality with all of this is that when it is happening, it sucks real bad.
I have had some major realizations about my anxiety as of late.
Realization one is that one of its major triggers is when I feel trapped. With some further questions and digging by my therapist, we discovered that even though I am not actually trapped and can leave at anytime in any situation, that in my mind I am trapped because of fear of what people will think if I do leave or have a medical issue.
Realization two is that my love life very much has an effect on other anxieties. If something is off there, it automatically makes every other anxiety ten times intense. A very good friend and coworker helped me out with this one. I have been having a really bad few weeks, and she said you know I was thinking about you, about how I have seen you handle anxiety and different triggers. I was thinking about how now all of a sudden you aren’t handling it as you usually do, and it was that maybe the stress in your relationship right now thats been weighing on you is setting everything else off. This is the only thing that’s different, what do you think? It was like I actually saw puzzle pieces click into place when she said this. Omg, I told her, she was totally right! This realization has given me the gust to communicate, and to not be afraid to communicate with my partner. I will not hold back in fear of losing him, for if I do then it wasn’t meant to be. Self lesson here: everything is connected, no matter how different situations may be, it all feeds off of one another.
Realization three, I am very much angry that I have anxiety, I am very much ashamed of it, and I am very much self conscious of it. I had been lying to myself saying I wasn’t, but being in new situations and a new relationship, it has become very apparent that I am indeed still all of these things. It is going to take some work, and it is not going to be over night, but I know that one day that I will get beyond these negative feelings. I think I get so frustrated with myself, because the anxiety that I feel both emotionally and physically sucks so bad. Anxiety makes me feel weak, like there is something wrong with me.
Final realization, my knee jerk reaction to anything negative that happens in my relationship is worst case scenario, that he is going to leave me for saying how I feel. I need to remind myself that relationships aren’t going to be without hiccups or discussions, and that just because they happen that I won’t be kicked to the curb. Before my relationship now, every time I opened up I would be either ghosted or told I was wrong and pathetic. A year of this with the same person has left some serious scar tissue, but I am determined to not let it effect my current relationship any further.